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4th of July weekend was sort of a bust.
John worked all day Friday and Saturday night.
Thursday night we were supposed to watch the fireworks in Pawtucket. I got caught up running my brother around and doing errands for him and John that by the time I was done it was too late to head there to catch them.
Bummer. I also had a plan to get waaaasted. That backfired when I passed out at 11pm...woke up at 3am and was so angry, haha.
Friday, I went home when John left for work and slept for a couple more hours and went to the mall. In the afternoon my mom and grandmother and I set off for Morgan's parents' house for their party. It was fun and full of yummy food.
Saturday, I slept till noontime and didn't leave the house until 4pm. In which all I did was grocery shop. I brought my brother taco bell and we hung out until John got out of work and came over for a while.
Sunday, John and I slept again until noontime. Got some coffee and took Chloe to the park. She was tired/lazy/hot so we only stayed for a few minutes. We then watch endless episodes of SVU and the first half of Ginger Snaps then went and had a yummy dinner at Trinity. Then more errands to Coventry. I got home at almost 11pm and had ice cream and tried to sleep.
Alex the Cat decided 3:45am was a good time for me to wake up. So, I was up and down, on and off sleeping until 6am. Terrible.
Now, it's work time and I'm all over the place. Just can't wait for these next two hours to be over.
A new Intervention is on tonight and that's all I have to look forward to, haha.
Oh sigh. I'm grumpy...or something.
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Wednesday, July 2nd, 2008
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Ahhhhhhhhh.
I feel so tired.
I had two coffees yesterday, one of them was at 4pm, so it kept me all crazily energized. I actually felt like I should have a heart attack, haha. I'm not good with caffeine.
When I got out of work I wanted to buy the new Alkaline Trio CD and John wanted to look at giant TVs at Best Buy & Walmart, so he went for the ride with me.
I made him listen to the CD in the car - to get him all excited for the show next Sunday - it didn't work. I'll accept that he doesn't like them and be very happy that he is willing to go with me anyways : ].
I also had a giant burrito from Cilantro which made me immediately feel as if I were going to die - worst heart burn/belly ache ever. I'll never learn.
We watched a very sad new episode of The First 48 and I went home around 11pm.
Alex the Cat is the worst animal on the planet, I am about ready to just drop him off in some field.
He wakes me up without fail at 4:15am EVERY morning. I get up, feed him. Go back to sleep...10mins later, he's crying again and playing this game where he makes me think he's going to piss on things. It's awesome. This continues about every 5mins until 5:30am when I finally decide I will not be able to go back to sleep, so I get up and get ready for work. Then he's quiet as can be, napping on his scratch board the entire time I'm getting ready.
I cannot stand him. I want to call the vet and see about getting more of the anxiety pills he used to take, but I don't have any extra money this week for the $30 visit & the $15pills (plus they'll make me get his vaccines up to date). I may just go and pick up cat nip, that seemed to help before. Ugh...
I have to remember to pick a cute card up for Kate & Tommy to send to their new apartment. And get John to sign it. Tomorrow.
Today, I hope work goes by fast and I can go home & do absolutely nothing. I just want to sleep.
But, I'm sure I won't.
I have nothing to do on the 4th. It's depressing. None of my family has called to invite me anywhere. John is working Friday AND Saturday. Tara told me to go to her house - watch the fireworks with her & Josh and her parents. 5th wheel, awesome..hah. Oh well, 4th of July is not THAT exciting. I'll just watch a movie or something : /
Oh ick. So sleepy.
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So, last night John and I had this half-drunken talk about our future. It was great. We talked about how well we know eachother, how happy we make eachother, the arguements we have and how we are able to solve and move on from them, etc. Over the past couple of weeks, the serious talks of marriage have come up. So, with my liquid courage I blatantly asked "Do you honestly see yourself marrying me in the future?". He hesitated for a moment, but said "Of course, I don't want to be with anyone else". He's keeping me in mind for when him & his roommates' lease is up in September. I told him to do whatever is best for him (seeing how my lease is not up until March of next year & I sincerely would not be against living in my apartment longer than March if I had to). I just get these wonderful feelings that we are going to spend the rest of our lives together & I want to take it all slow & not force anything...just let it all happen (and we both agree on this).
It's weird how I don't look at any other guys anymore, I mean I'll think someone is cute, but I don't ever think about them sexually or romantically. I remember when Adam & I were falling out I constantly pictured myself with other people, I guess that's a true sign that you are no longer in love with someone. I hope I never feel that way again. I want to always look at John and get the butterflies I get everytime I look at him.
In a couple weeks our year anniversary will be here. It's crazy how fast a year goes by. I've actually been seeing him for over a year, but not official until mid July. I think he's more excited about this anniversary than I am- I've never really made big deals of them, I mean I'd acknowledge them but never flaunt them. He says he's never been with a girl this long, to mark an anniversary (or at least one that he wanted to celebrate).
I love this kid. I just have the best of feelings about this whole thing and I can't wait to see what happens.
We're planning a trip to Hershey Park for the end of August. I love going places with him. Anywhere. I can't wait until it's all officially booked and I can countdown the days. It will be a short trip, but it will be a lot of fun.
Oh sigh.
I only got around 3hours total of sleep last night. Because regardless of the awesome conversation we had last night, we had an arguement at 3am that lasted until 4:45am. He got caught up in conversation/smoking cigarettes with his roommates for a couple hours, after he promised me he'd be up in 15minutes. We had that great talk and we were going to have sex (since our last attempt failed in drunken tiredness) and he promised he'd be up since I had to wake up at 6am (and it was already 12:30). Well, I guess I passed out and the next thing I knew it was 3am and he was sleeping next to me. I guess I assumed he had just come upstairs (but in actuality it was about 2:30 when he came up - but still 2hrs after he said he would) and well I overreacted and made a big deal out of it and got really mad and acted crazy. We talked it all out and all was well, but I still feel like a jerk. But I'm also still a little bummed he did that because it keeps happening - I never have a problem going to be before him - he's just bad at keeping to his word about "having one more cigarette/beer" and a few weeks ago he left me alone in his sketchy house/neighborhood while him and his roommates went on a drunken adventure at 4am.....so it all just bothers me for some reason.
I think last night was just because the talk we had was so sweet, I was in 15yr horny teenager mode and I just wanted to fall asleep with him in my drunken stupor and he "forgot" about me.
Bah. I wish I didn't act how I did though. I'm quite lucky he puts up with me.
Work stinks.
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Wednesday, June 25th, 2008
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Exciting updates of my life:
On Friday (well, Thursday night) I bought a new car. A BRAND new car. A 2008 Toyota Yaris. It is just...perfect.
Now, I've been in an upside down car loan for a little over 5 years. I know that making this loan larger could possibly be a terrible idea, I feel much better having a brand new car ( a toyota at that! ) that will last me YEARS (or will always have a great trade-in value). It's quite depressing having a $19,000 debt under my name, but I'm trying not to think of it like that.
With buying this new car I found out I have a 750 credit score. That in itself makes me feel better. It pays to be responsible at 23. I was able to finance the car all by myself, too! Only thing that sucked about this was that I had to find new insurance and while doing so I learned my name was never under my father's insurance - only my car. I have no idea how this happened, or if it's even legal? But, in the end it caused me a lot of trouble getting insurance rates. Thankfully, I was able to find ONE company that was in a somewhat affordable monthly range. In total I'm paying about $120 more a month for this car. However, I budgetted myself just perfectly to afford it and hopefully within a few months I can shop around for cheaper insurance. Also, this car gets 41miles to the gallon. I may only have to fill it up twice a month. That saves me $100 a month right there (well, seeing that I filled my other car up once a week at around $40-$50 each time).
I try justifying it to myself but in the end..I'm happy and that's all that matters : ]. Oh and I'm also driving a safe, reliable car and that's pretty! : ].
BUT moral of this: money sucks, I hate being responsible and I'm getting old.
That's the only thing that's happened in my life worth mentioning. Except, I work a lot, sleep a little & been throwing up a lot from drinking too much..oh and I've learned once again that Jameson is not my friend.
End of story.
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Updates.
My brother is getting married in t-minus 5 days.
Last week he severed his achiles & had surgery this past Friday. He can't walk on it for 8-12weeks.
They rescheduled their honeymoon & he can't work for 4 weeks if not more.
What a test for a new marriage! I hope everything works out OK.
We went out for the bachelorette partay on Saturday night. It was a pretty fun time. We had yummy Mexican food & drank everything out of penis straws & blew penis whistles all night long. I'm sure everyone found us annoying, but we didn't care. My brother all but forced my boyfriend to drink so much that he could not pick me up as we had planned. His friend came to get me with him & I ignored him the whole way home - longest, most awkward ride - but alas we made up & all is well. Drinking & miscommunication make for unnecessary arguments.
Hints towards living together keep arising, well - I keep making them arise - but I'm not getting turned down, so that's a plus. It wouldn't be happening for at least 9months or more, but it's nice to think we will get to that point. I'd love to live with him - hell, I'd love to spend the rest of my life with him, but I can't go there yet. I've said enough with my liquid courage to scare him, I'm sure. Just have to learn to enjoy what I have right now and not push for things so much - just let them happen is the best way and that's what our whole relationship has been based on and it's been going quite smoothly. : ]
Tonight, I am going to WW after missing 2 weeks (one for a holiday). I have weighed myself twice & it seems to be about 4-5lbs. Works for me! We'll see what I have "technically" lost according to WW land. I hope it's that much, I'd love to hit the 25lb mark! That makes half way to my ULTIMATE goal of 50lbs. I'm quite proud of myself for sticking with this so long. It's been almost 6months. 25lbs doesn't seem like a lot in 6months, but it averages to about 1lb per week. I guess that's OK? Whatever, I feel really good : ]
I think I have contracted a virus or spyware on this computer, must fix that.
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There are things I shouldn't do when I drink...one important thing is to attempt to have a serious conversation with my boyfriend about our "future".
I awoke this morning feeling shitty from a hangover & a sad heart.
I believe I just took things the wrong way, but when you're drunk, in love & telling someone you want to be with them forever, the worst response to hear is "I'm flattered".
I'm dumb & feeling silly & insecure.
I'm hoping I just startled him with this talk & scared him a little. But, I can't help but worry.
When I told him I loved him for the first time, he spent a good 10mins trying to talk me out of it.
Until, he finally broke himself down, cried & told me he was just scared & that he really did love me.
As much as it sucks to feel all of this before him, I hope the same thing happens & he'll realize that he wants some kind of future with me.
I'm sick to my stomach today & just want to talk to him.
I hate being so insecure, sometimes.
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Camping.
Camping was fun & short.
We went kayaking through Vermont.
Played cards, ate hot dogs & smores.
The campground had only opened the day before so we ended up being the only campers there (with a tent).
It was kind of creepy, but worked out pretty great.
Work.
I go through these phases of evaluating my life every 6months or so. This week I'm not happy with my job.
I sort of calmed myself down today & am just trying to be productive rather than dwell.
I don't know what I could ever do or if I'd ever get the courage to do something different.
I think the only way I'd ever do it, is if I just moved away.
I guess we'll see what happens. For now I'll just try to enjoy it.
Boyfriend.
I love my boyfriend. Like, more & more every day.
There's just something about him..that when I look at him I still get all sweet inside & I can't help but smile.
I don't know what it is, but man, I'm so glad I have him.
I love waking up next to him. Because even though today is sucking a little all I have to do is think of how cute he looks in the morning & when he's sleeping & I can smile and think life is just good.
Granted, I don't get to wake up with him every morning, but that's ok. For now, heh.
Wedding.
The brother's wedding is coming so fast..like less than 3 weeks.
I don't have my dress. Morgan said she's calling the bridal shop today.
I hope I don't have to do any alterations to it. I mean, I'd be super happy because that would mean I've lost some good inches..but damn it'll be a pain in the butt to have to get it altered. Bah.
I'm so looking forward to the wedding, though. I'm probably going to bawl my eyes out.
But, I can't wait.
I waste so much time on stupid things here. I'm going to get in trouble, I can feel it.
Eep.
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So, yesterday my cousin, Heather drops by my grandmother's house to let her in some very terrible news.
Her baby, Alexis (who just turned 2yrs old in March) is too weak for the Dyalisis treatments that were once being suggested. So, the new treatment: let her kidneys fail. Meaning, she has anywhere from today until a year to pass away due to kidney failure.
As much as my cousin has messed up in her life (including how she has taken care of Alexis) I can't help to feel awful for her. As of my right now her life is seeming pretty shitty & to add this, I don't know how she'll be able to go on.
For example... her aunt now has guardianship over her 3 sons, her boyfriend (the father of all 4 children) has been in jail for the past 5months (& who knows when he will get out), she works part time (because she can basically live off of state aid due to Alexis' health problems) & her mother is moving to South Carolina in the next couple of months.
I haven't had much of a relationship with her since I was about 10yrs old, but our family is close. When my grandfather passed away it made us all realize how important we are to eachother. Except, it didn't last long. Mother's day was the first time anyone has seen Alexis since the end of February. Alexis' doctor called DCYF on my cousin because she had not followed up with any of her appointments from when she had the feeding tube put in. DCYF then came & inspected my cousin's apartment & Alexis..and also interviewed her 3 sons (who have not lived with her in almost 2yrs). My cousin seemed to think someone in the family called DCYF on her & she refused to speak with anyone until recently. She even cancelled Alexis' birthday party.
Now, we get this news & it's devastating. I do not want to go to a funeral with a baby casket. I do not want to see my family cry again.
Granted we all know this baby has had much of a life - I can't even get into everything that is wrong with her - & she wouldn't have much of a life in the future if she could survive. But she's been with us for 2 years & we all love her & are all so attached to her.
I don't know what my cousin is going to do. And I wish she wasn't such a liar & scummy person.
But even she doesn't deserve to lose her daughter - who regardless of what she did or didn't do to help make her better - she still loves her. I mean, she's only 25yrs old & has 4 kids. I don't know what I'd be able to handle if I were in her shoes.
UGH. I hate this shit. I'm going to miss that little baby. I really hope my family can get over all of their petty disagreements & get together before this baby leaves us.
I'm sad & want to go home.
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So, John & Chloe came to visit me at work today.
I managed to get one picture of her. But her eyes are all red. She normally has two beautiful ice blue eyes.
I love her..Oh & him too. : ]
Go camping in upstate New York tomorrow - for the weekend. I can't wait, so looking forward to this trip.
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I spent too much money this weekend.
But, I got my Wrentham shopping spree in. I only spent $40 though! Woo.
Unfortunately, it cost me $50 to fill my gas tank up.
I also, spent over $100 on Mother's day gifts. Oh well.
My tax rebate is probably 1/2 gone.
I probably could have done something responsible with more of it, but at least some of it went to other people & the rest will pay for remaining things for the brother's wedding.
In better news. John got a dog yesterday! A 2yr old Siberian Husky. Her name is Chloe & I'm already in love with her. I told him she is 1/2 mine. But he does all the hardwork, I just buy her presents & spoil her. We picked her up at 8am yesterday from a woman in West Warwick who could no longer have her (I guess she is moving in with her elderly mother & the mother is scared of large dogs)? I dont know but this dog is healthy, so well natured & so sweet. She is so already attached to John & I'm sure I'll be replaced soon hahah. I don't think I have ever seen him happier. & I miss her already! And am jealous he gets to see her everyday haha.
Pictures to come soon.
This weekend is the camping trip in NY. Wooooooo.
work.
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New shoes rule.
I had seen these a long time ago, but did not want to pay the $65+ for them.
Last Saturday I went on a major shopping spree in which I did not find a single thing I wanted to buy...until...
I decided to go through Marshalls for the hell of it... and what do I see... THESE...for $19.99.
Luckily, they had my size.
Marshalls rules. They have so many slip-on Vans for $16.99. However, the only pair I would have bought were ones my brother already owns, so that was a no-go.
Anyway, that's my story & I'm wearing them now & I love them.
I plan to go on another big shopping spree this weekend. I just want to shop my life away.
I have no life. Not a single plan this weekend. Except to pay my bills, go grocery shopping & do something with the Mother for her day.
Kind of depressing.
Oh well.
Work, work, work.
oh yeah, and i also made this...
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happiness:
+hitting the -21lb mark
+getting the tax rebate
+finally getting my bike
+quiet days in the office
+bret michaels coming to twin river
+cooking (better) & enjoying it
+new kitty
+falling asleep on the couch
+boyfriend being cute
+mother's day
+feeling healthy
+new no baby "medications"
blah:
-only losing 1/2pound when i thought i did really well
-probably going to blow that tax rebate on nothing exciting
-being out of breath riding the bike up the hill
-not being motivated at work
-probably not going to see bret michaels at twin river
-not cooking enough
-alex is still hissing and swatting at new kitty...and she doesn't have a name yet
-waking up in a panic at 3:45am asleep on the couch
-boyfriend being an 80yr old grump
-not knowing what to get...and having to buy gifts for 4 "mothers". bah
-feeling guilty for dinner last night & those m&ms
-the cost of the new no baby "medications"
negative nelly on the attack.
it's raining, i can't help it.
hopefully tonight boyfriend & i will do something fun. love him.
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